When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
