I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
