Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize