If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
