Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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