We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
