Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
