I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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