why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
