How'd it feel making her break her religion?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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