Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I enjoy the company of your penis
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
