haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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