Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
