I just found puke in my bra..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
