Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
