I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
