I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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