She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
