his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
