Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
