I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
