Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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