it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
