i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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