I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
