i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
