Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
