I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
