Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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