Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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