Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
