I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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