What did we do last night that was yellow?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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