Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
