im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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