woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
