Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
