Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
