I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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