I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
