Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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