I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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