some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
