somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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