I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
