Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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