i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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