The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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