I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
