Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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