OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize