My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
