Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
