my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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