stop calling my apartment porn island.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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