Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
