just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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