Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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