He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
