it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
time to smoke my breakfast
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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