New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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