If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
True strength comes from lack of pants
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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