Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm passing your future prison.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
