Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
