I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
