so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
